I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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