I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I am midnight drunk by noon
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
