I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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