dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
