There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
