I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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