i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
