i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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