I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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