Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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