Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
