Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
