I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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