Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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