i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
