I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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