Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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