I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize