batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
