Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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