my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
