maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
