I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
In America we eat man semen.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
