OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
