Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
