remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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