We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
