If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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