I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
