she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
