i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
