Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
