and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am mentally ready for anal.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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