I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
