you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if i died would you start the facebook group?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He did a backflip because drugs
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
