last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
