I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
