Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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