Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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