Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
