Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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