In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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