just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize