i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
