Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
