I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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