He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
