Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
