the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
