Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
