i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
