Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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