for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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