I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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