Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
