the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
